Dear Bitter Brother or Sister

I've noticed a trend among a lot of believers for nearly a decade now. There seems to be a growing spirit of regret, anger, and bitterness, in regard to life circumstances, but especially directed at the college many of us attended or even graduated from. I'm guilty of the first one many times, but I do not understand what often appears to be almost hateful sentiments toward the second. I know, maybe I'm biased having grown up around BBC for almost my entire life and being a faculty brat. Truthfully, maybe I should be bitter. After all, I have a youth ministry degree that I am currently not using, nor have I used since graduating. I wasted four years of my life there, right? Wrong! I thank God for my time at BBC. I would not be who I am today without that time, those friends, and the professors who poured their lives into so many of us during our time there. Without my time at BBC, I almost surely would have walked away from God by this point in my life (sadly, I know that a few have done just that and might even say in spite of or because of their time there). Don't get me wrong, I know that God has kept me, but He used people, classes, situations to prepare me for life after BBC. It hasn't been perfect, I made mistakes and really struggled with loneliness, especially for the two years I lived in Charlotte. But God used my time at BBC to teach me how to ground myself in His Word, and without that, I know beyond doubt that my life would be different for the worse. I can't say and don't know for most people why they are so bitter towards BBC, though money, differences in philosophy and theology, disagreements with other people, and poor treatment of some faculty seem to be at least some good guesses. My question for you is, do those poor experiences make God any less sovereign? Did those things take Him by surprise? Were those things so bad that they outweigh anything good that happened? Some of you met your spouses there. Would you rather have not met him or her? 

I'm going to admit somethig pretty ridiculous and kind of embarrassing. When I decided to enroll at BBC as a junior in high school, I thought I knew exactly how the next 5-6 years of my life were going to go. I'd probably date a girl or two before meeting the girl I was going to marry by junior year. We'd get engaged and then get married after graduation, where I'd get a job as a youth pastor somewhere in New York, Ohio, or Michigan, and then live happily ever after with a few kids and maybe a dog or two. Needless to say, that's not remotely how my life has gone. Are there times when I wish it had? Rarely, but when I think about those things I don't have that many of you do, and seem to take for granted (just my perception when I see seemingly regretful language used in regard to attending our alma mater). But honestly, I'm so grateful for the life God has lead me to live since my time at BBC. I literally lived a dream of mine by playing in a band, sharing Christ with people. That never would have happened if I hadn't gone to BBC, where I met Seth Davey and played music with him. If I had married a girl from BBC right after graduating, I most likely wouldn't have been able to live that dream. 

If you're still reading, you may be wondering, "Amos, what is your point?" My point, dear brother or sister, is that I want to offer you some perspective. Proverbs 16:9 says,"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." This verse has become an anchor to God for me over the last year and a half. We all had plans and goals when we were young. We thought we knew how our lives were going to go, and when they didn't go that way, we got mad.

19 You will say to me then, "Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?"

20 But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, "Why have you made me like this?"

21 Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?

22 What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction,

23 in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory-

24 even us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles?

Romans 9:19-24

I know this passage is about salvation and election, but I think it still applies in this case. God has chosen each of us and has a plan to use each of us in His own way and for His glory, as He sees fit. Meaning, He may have us do things or endure things that we don't like. Who are we to say,"God, how could you let me do that, or go there?" There were reasons we all went to BBC. To be clear, BBC is not, nor ever has been, nor will be perfect. I am no longer dispensational. I still think it's ridiculous that we weren't allowed to go to movies, have facial hair, and wear jeans to class - all things current students enjoy, by the way. I know of (don't we all?) quite a few situations involving sin that were not dealt with by those in authority. I know of students who were seriously hurt by the words or actions of some in positions of authority. Lest you think I'm letting a bias completely cloud my memories of BBC. But one way or the other, I think God used BBC to sanctify each and every one of us. For some it was a difficult and painful process, while others, it was a joy and delight. 

If you are one of those who was hurt at BBC, please know I don't excuse that. But let me ask you this, does any anger or bitterness you have against a brother or sister in Christ really help you? I know it hasn't helped me.

2014 Albums of the Year

As 2014 draws to a close, it is once again time for me to share my top albums of the year. I'm posting it on my blog this year because I can do a little bit more with it in terms of format from my iPhone than I can directly on Facebook. So, without further ado, here is my list. I hope you enjoy and maybe that you'll find some new music to enjoy as well. I'll also include a link to a Spotify playlist which is composed primarily of one song per album and a few stand-alone singles and songs done for movie soundtracks.

40. Resurrection - New Found Glory

39. Fight the Silence - For Today

38. Devil - Chiodos

37. Disgusting - Beartooth

36. New Bodies - Akissforjersey

35. The Grand Budapest Hotel (Original Soundtrack) - Alexandre Desplat

34. Our God Is Unstoppable - Summit Worship

33. Neon Steeple - Crowder

32. Get Hurt - The Gaslight Anthem

31. Extremist - Demon Hunter

30. ††† - Crosses

29. Young and Courageous - Tides of Man

28. Lowborn - Anberlin

27. Rooms of the House - La Dispute

26. Rest And Let Go - The Overseer

25. Smoke EP - House of Heroes

24. Rise - Trip Lee

23. From Parts Unknown - Every Time I Die

22. Volcano Crowe - Halfnoise

21. The Cabin EP - Golden Youth

20. Bloom & Breathe - Gates

19. I'm Almost Happy Here, But I Never Feel At Home - Hotel Books

18. Amour & Attrition - Casey Crescenzo

17. My Favourite Faded Fantasy - Damien Rice

16. Keep You - Pianos Become the Teeth

15. the night god slept - Silent Planet

14. Crimson Cord - Propaganda

13. Cope/Hope - Manchester Orchestra

12. Ghost Stories - Coldplay

11. A Dotted Line - Nickel Creek

10. Fantasize - Kye Kye

Much like Chvrches album last year, this album really surprised me. Unlike Chvrches, I had heard of Kye Kye before as they had worked with Come & Live! on their previous album and I really liked their song "Broke". This album, in my opinion blows away Young Love. It's a very moody album, but the melodies are beautiful. It makes tons of sense that Chad Howat of Paper Route produced this album, as elements of "Fantasize" are very reminiscent of Paper Route's "The Peace of Wild Things." My only complaint with this album is that it's often hard to understand Olga's lyrics of you're not reading along with the song.

Highlights: I Already See It, Honest Affection, People, Scared or Selfish, Dreams (2 AM)

9. Decensus - Circa Survive

I was somewhat disappointed with Circa Survive's previous album, "Violent Waves", with the exception of a handful of songs, it just lacked a lot of what "Blue Sky Noise" had. My excitement for this album was pretty high between seeing them live in August (even though they didn't play any new songs) and their claims that this would be their heaviest album. Then they released the first single, and really began to hope that this album would be a return to form. They definitely made good on their promise of this being their most aggressive album, even though two of the songs are very slow and subdued, they're a lot better than the slower songs on "Violent Waves". Circa Survive also has continued trying new things in terms of composition (almost math rock bridge section on "Child of the Desert", and guitar tones, 80s-esque lead on "Decensus"). I'm really bummed I missed out on seeing them with Pianos Become the Teeth.

Highlights: Schema, Child of the Desert, Only the Sun, Phantom, Decensus

8. Anomaly - Lecrae

Leading up to the release of this album, and before he had put out the single "Nuthin", I wasn't really looking forward to Lecrae's new album. I never got "Church Clothes 2" because I just didn't like anything I heard from it. It wasn't even close to "Church Clothes 1" and it just felt like a pretty weak effort after "Gravity". Once I heard "Nuthin" I felt that this was going to be a different album from Lecrae. I think this is his best album yet. 

Highlights: Nuthin, Fear, Timepiece, Dirty Water, All I Need Is You

7. In Humor and Sadness - '68

It's been just over a year since The Chariot called it a day and finished their farewell tour. I was sad to see my favorite hardcore/mathcore (whatever core you want to call them) end, but it wasn't long after that vocalist Josh Scogin announced a new band in the works. It's easy to just say '68 sounds like The Chariot because of Josh's vocals, but his delivery (which features some actual signing in contrast to his signature screaming) is different here along with the fact that he is also playing guitar. Joined by former Becoming the Archetype drummer, Michael McClellan, the duo hit the road hard this year before even releasing this album. They remind me some of the garage rock sound of The Black Keys and The White Stripes, though obviously more aggressive, and even some Nirvana thrown in for good measure.

Highlights: Track - R, Track 2 - e, Track 4 - r, Track 5 - e, Track 9 -

6. Time In Place - Artifex Pereo

Let's be honest, it's been a while since Tooth & Nail signed a new band that a lot of people were excited about. So when I first heard "Hands of Penance" before the release of this album and it reminded me a lot of I the Mighty, I was cautiously excited. Once the full album was unleashed upon the world, it was clear that Artifex Pereo was not just a "good first single" band only. Nor was that first song representative of the diversity found within "Time In Place." This is a band who seeks to push boundaries and try different things, whether it's going from a driving rhythm to a section with a wailing organ in the background ("Laugh & The World Laughs With You") to a song with no repeated chorus ("Apeiron"). Artifex Pereo's sound harkens back to the glory days of the early to mid-2000s of Tooth & Nail, and with that brings anticipation of what is coming next.

Highlights: No Stranger To Worry, To Listen & Say Nothing, Hands of Penance, Laugh & The World Laughs With You, Liable For Tragedy, Apeiron, Cut Sign

5. Lazaretto - Jack White

Jack White is quite an interesting man. Apparently, much of the lyrical content of this album was written when he was 18. Aside from that, however, the man has a lot of ideas for music and how it's presented that are quite ingenious. Not many artists or bands out there change genres from song to song on a given album. It can be jarring and just feel wrong. However, Jack seems to change it up with ease throughout the course of the track listing of "Lazaretto" going from blues to rock to bluegrass, without skipping a beat. This is easily my favorite vinyl of the year as it has some pretty crazy features: the A side playing from the center of the record to the outside, it also has a 3D image of an angel etched into the inside of the record where there are no grooves, the end of the A side has locking grooves so that once that side is done it loops the last few seconds of the final track, the B side has two different grooves for two different intros (acoustic and electric) to the song "Just One Drink," the whole B side has a matte finish, giving it a more classic look, and it also has locking grooves to loop the last few seconds of the final track. Lastly, there are two hidden tracks (one on each side) underneath the center label, which both play at different speeds. I haven't been able to play these songs, unfortunately, as the arm on my turntable cannot go that close to the center.

Highlights: Lazaretto, Temporary Ground, Would You Fight For My Love?, High Ball Stepper, Just One Drink, That Black Bat Licorice

4. VxV - Wolves at the Gate

To say that this was one of my most anticipated albums of the year would be quite an understatement. Wolves at the Gate has become easily one of my favorite metalcore/post-hardcore bands in recent years, both for their hard hitting, yet melodic tunes and for their theological and Christ-centered lyrics. On "VxV", Wolves has taken all of those elements and cranked them up. The album even starts out with an intro track containing a portion of a John Piper sermon before your eardrums are punched in the face by the song "Wake Up." This album is dominated by lyrics that offer the hope of the gospel.

Highlights: Wake Up, Dust to Dust, Return, Relief, The Bird and the Snake, East to West, Majesty in Misery, The Father's Bargain

3. The Albatross - Foxing

It seems like almost every year I'll discover a band that just instantly "clicks" with me. I was honestly blown away the first time I heard the song "Rory." Obvious comparisons to mewithoutYou came to mind, but after hearing the whole album it became apparent that Foxing was not just a copycat and had much more to offer as a new addition to this recent "emo revival." Foxing exudes so much emotion, not just due to Connor Murphy's often painful sounding yelps. The guitars on this album are absolutely brilliant and beautiful, blending in a solid dose of post-rock from song to song, to also including some post-hardcore and math rock. I'm so beyond bummed that I missed their set with Brand New. 

Highlights: Inuit, The Medic, Rory, Bit By a Dead Bee (pts. I and II), Quietus

2. Absent Sounds - From Indian Lakes

From Indian Lakes was my Foxing of 2013, so I was thrilled that they were releasing a new album this year. Initial listens brought to light a change of pace for the band, overall. Gone, for the most part, were some of the overdriven guitars and more Circa Survive sounding rock songs from "Able Bodies." But what is found on "Absent Sounds," I feel, is a more mature and complete form of this young band. Joey Vannucchi's vocals are in top form throughout the album and are perhaps a little more reminiscent of Wes Blaylock of Deas Vail than on the previous FIL album. Though it's not as "rocking" as its predecessor, "Able Bodies" does a great job of creating tension in other ways than just typical power chords through chunky sounding guitars.

Highlights: Label This Love, Breathe Desperately, Ghost, Awful Things, Runner

1. Ixora - Copeland

"Copeland is back!" By the way it's April Fool's Day. Admittedly not the best way to announce their return to being an active band, Copeland has indeed returned after six years from their last album, "You Are My Sunshine." I know there has been some mixed feelings among fans, but I love this album and I think it was well worth the 6 years we had to wait for it, especially when you consider that no one had any clue we'd ever get another Copeland album. I mean, come on, how many of us went to their farewell tour? It's great to see that they picked up right where they left off, even though I know a lot of people want to hear more guitar-driven Copeland, that band doesn't exist anymore, and I think we are all better off for it. 

Highlights: Disjointed, I Can Make You Feel Young Again, Erase, Ordinary, Like a Lie, Chiromancer, In Her Arms You Will Never Starve

http://open.spotify.com/user/jamos4184/playlist/6iMNLmZ9un7BmBW9RfQrAY

 

To Be Thankful

It's been a great day! We had originally planned to drive to my sister and brother-in-law's place sometime yesterday, but 9 inches of snow caused us to change those plans. We all had a really good time just hanging out, watching football, eating food, talking and sharing things we are thankful for. And there is so much to be thankful for! Health, nearly 40 years of marriage, growing to love a job, experiencing God bringing about a change of heart, new life, a new job and direction in life were all things that were shared by family and friends. And yet, as I sit here on the eve of one the greediest day of the year, I find myself being tempted to not be satisfied. After all, there are still so many other things I desire for in my life. Mind you, these are not bad or sinful things, in and of themselves for me to want. But there is a distinguishing line between having a desire for these things - marriage, kids, and a job to support them - and the priority I give these things in my life. As one pastor put it, "Idols are often things that start out as good things, which we turn into a god-thing, which becomes a bad thing to us."

Paul has much to say on the subject of contentment in the book of Philippians.
- "But everything that was a gain to me, I have considered to be a loss because of Christ. More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of Him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them filth, so that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ - the righteousness from God based on faith. My goal is to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead." (Phil. 3:7-11)

- "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:4-7)

Here are two passages that I believe speak directly to our hearts and challenge us to question what, or more importantly, Whom, is the source of our contentment, joy and peace.

You see, as Paul points out, when we are focused on Christ, and truly strengthening our relationship with Him, we are completely sold out to Him. Nothing else in this life that the world can offer us can even come close to fulfilling our lives as a right relationship with Christ does. Can we honestly say that we consider even good things "filth" compared to the greatness of knowing Christ?

But don't think that means we should all just rid ourselves of all material things and move to a monastery or a cave out in the middle of no where. Because the very next chapter we find Paul encouraging us to bring our requests to God. Does he also then tell us, "After that just sit back and wait for God to give you anything and everything you ask Him for."? Of course not, but he does tell us that God will bring us peace. I believe Paul is echoing David in Psalm 37:4 which says, "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires." Again, the idea here is not that we approach God as this supernatural genie who is here to grant us all the wishes we want. The point is that when you and I truly "take delight in the Lord" our desires for our lives will align with His desires for our lives.

I hope that you all had a wonderful day with friends and family reflecting on the goodness and provision of God in your lives!

On a lighter note, how about those Eagles??!! Definitely one small thing I was thankful for today!

Why am I awake right now?

It's amazing, the things that will keep you awake. But I find even more than that, when nothing in particular does the trick. I suppose that may not be entirely true for me tonight, considering I just turned 30 three days ago. It doesn't really bother me, I don't feel any different than I did when I was still in my 20s. I do feel a sense of urgency that I haven't felt in some time, though, again, nothing to do with age. No, this has everything to do with the fact that I am one step closer to my goal of being done with Starbucks in favor of working full-time in a church. Four weeks ago I began a new job as the Communications Assistant ("Assistant Communications Director" if I wanted to Schrute it up a bit, haha) at Parker Hill Community Church in Dickson City, PA. It's been an awesome experience so far, and I'm learning a lot, and hope to learn much more (Photoshop and some other programs are on the list). But this sense of urgency has come from being reminded that my life isn't about me. Everything I have has been given to me, and what am I doing with all that has been entrusted? I think time is the biggest resource that we're given as believers, and consequently, the one we squander the most. Am I making the most of my time here on earth for the cause of Christ? As believers, we're called to "works prepared in advance for us (Ephesians 2:10)." I can think of no better way to live this life than to immerse myself in things that draw me closer to Christ, the natural outpouring of which, I believe would be to serve the church and reach out to the lost.

It's been a tough year. A broken (but healing) heart, an incredible amount of uncertainty about my future and a move despite not knowing where I would end up. God has challenged me to trust Him more this year, and probably within the last 6 months specifically than any other time in my life. And yet, He has provided in amazing and unexpected ways! I'm often reminded of the Attalus song (no eye-rolling allowed, I didn't even play on this one) "A Country Road in Two Seasons" and the line Seth sings, "The seasons have come, the seasons have gone / they've given this road a different hue / the winter and fall / I've walked through them all, but this road keeps leading me to You". It reminds me of God's sovereignty, in that no matter what I'm going through or dealing with, He is always leading me.

I'll admit it, I'm also thinking of ideas for a multi-church gathering that I've been thinking/dreaming of for churches in NEPA inspired by The Summit Church's "Church at the Ballpark" over a year ago. I think it could be a truly awesome thing to see the Church come together from a few local churches and focus on sharing the Gospel in a way that it maybe it hasn't been in this area in a long time.

Blessed Beyond.......

As I sit here typing this, I realize that I have lived in North Carolina for just over 3 and a half years.  It's tough to comprehend all that's taken place in nearly 4 years since moving from Pennsylvania.  To say that my life has been something like a roller-coaster during this time would not be far off, though it might be relatively cliche.  I never would have thought that when I felt God leading me to move that He would also eventually lead me to join a band called "Attalus", or that while in that band He would give me the chance to play shows with bands that I grew up listening to, which no doubt, were a big part of the reason I longed to play music in a band from the time I learned how to play guitar.

I suppose I'm feeling nostalgic for a number of reasons.  Namely, last weekend I spent some time with my family at my brother-in-law's family's farm house in Harrisonburg, VA.  This is the third year that we have all met together for a weekend in November.  We were struck by the thought that the first year we were there, my dad was still working at BBC and praying about the possibility of getting back into a local church as a pastor.  That same year, I was still living in the Charlotte area and once a week would take care of my nephews, Chail and Rocky.  It's crazy how much they've both grown in 2 years' time.  Another reason, I would guess is the fact that I'm approaching my 28th birthday.  It seems the older I get the more I realize how little I truly know.  I don't mean for that to sound sad, depressing or that I'm looking for sympathy, so much as I am coming to a better understanding of the fact that anything and everything I have in this life is a blessing from God.

The simple truth is that the only thing I (we, really) deserve in this life, is the one thing that God has spared me from - an eternity separated from Him.  It's one of those things that just doesn't make any sense.  It can be explained and read over and over that God saves us because of His love for us, and I get that, but at times it can just be so difficult to get why He would even love us, especially enough to have His Son take on the death that we deserved.  The best I can make of it is that God has a specific purpose for my life, to honor and glorify Him and share His love and what He's done with others who don't know Him.

That is the reason that I've always wanted to be in a band.  To make music with the express purpose of reaching out to those who don't know Him and may have never heard the Gospel, while also encouraging those who do.  It is beyond humbling to me that God would allow me to be involved in Attalus.  I don't believe I can adequately describe how unworthy I often feel to have this opportunity.  To go one step even further, we are currently recording a "hymns/modern hymns/worship" album, the proceeds of which will go toward building Christian schools in Africa with the purpose of giving orphans a place to live, learn, and God-willing, come to know Christ.  That God would choose any of us to be able to help in such a way is hard for me to truly comprehend, but I am so thankful to be a part of it!

In closing, I just began studying the book of Philippians this week and was struck by chapter 1, verses 9-11 (I found it incredibly encouraging and challenging and decided to text it to a few of my friends and so I hope it will do the same for you):


And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
(Philippians 1:9-11 ESV)

Entitlement Issues. . .

In my last post I mentioned that God has been completely changing the way I view relationships from the way I used to view them.  Specifically, I stated that my old view was completely wrong.  There's a lot to it and I will explain in this post why I, and I think lots of single Christians have a problematic view of relationships.

I grew up about a mile from Baptist Bible College (where I would eventually study Youth Ministry and meet some great friends whom I am still very close with) and consequently, this affected my thoughts and beliefs about relationships.  What I saw, growing up, was example after example of people meeting at BBC, dating, and getting married right after they graduated.  When I decided that I would attend BBC during my junior year of high school, I thought I knew exactly where my life was headed; study to become a youth pastor, meet a girl, get engaged, graduate, get married, become a youth pastor, and start a family. . . the end.  Sounds great, right?  More like a little ridiculous that I actually believed that's what would happen.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I was dumb to think that would happen, or that those couples that did work out that way were wrong, but it was more that I expected it to happen.  I can look back on every single relationship that I pursued and with absolute confidence say that my expectations were a huge part of why they failed.  Partly because, rather than getting to know a girl as I friend, I had the tendency to tell myself that I was "interested" in her before I even really had gotten a chance to actually get to know her (when I say "her" in this instance I mean for it to be a general "her", not specific, because as I said before this was the same with every girl that I pursued).  I knew (and know) that relationships take time to develop and don't necessarily just happen over night, but years of seeing what I perceived as "instant" relationships led me to think that eventually if I was persistent enough, or funny enough I would find a girl who just wanted to jump into dating me without really knowing me.  I can honestly look back at that and realize how silly that line of thinking was, and truthfully, I can laugh now, but the reality is that it's actually kind of sad.  The sadness only begins there, however, as I would eventually go on to place the idea of a relationship on a pedestal so high, that not only would no girl ever be able to meet these expectations I had (though didn't quite realize), but worse, it would supplant my desire for my relationship with Christ.

God's love for us in incredible.  Not only does he save us through the death, burial, and resurrection of his son, Jesus Christ, but after that he chooses to continually bless us with friendships, family, and many other things that he entrusts us with and gives to us for enjoyment.  James 1:17 says it this way, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow of change."  Unfortunately, we forget this often and sometimes we begin to feel as though we deserve these things.  We develop within ourselves a sense of entitlement, even for things that are good.  But when this happens, there is a tremendous danger of placing our desire for those things above our desire for the only relationship that we as believers truly need in this life, just as I did.  You see, for me, a dating relationship that would lead to marriage had become the ultimate achievement in this life.  I took something that God absolutely intends for good, and I gave it the utmost importance that only God is worthy of and deserves.  It's still a struggle at times, but I think realizing a mistake is the first step in the right direction.  Understanding that my identity is in Christ, not in marriage, not in my job, not in trying to be funny; it's in Christ.

Beautiful Eulogy has a song that, I think, perfectly sums up the whole idea of believers believing the lie that we deserve the things that God graciously gives to us.

Entitlement by Beautiful Eulogy

Recently

So, it's officially the fall season.  Football, leaves, the sun setting before 8:00, even down here in North Carolina it's beginning to cool down.  It's been quite a while (over two years) since my last post here; needless to say, a lot has happened in two years.  Rather than trying to catch up, I'm going to dwell on what's been happening recently.

To say that God has taken ahold of my heart in ways that I never let him before would be an understatement.  Around two months ago I had a conversation with a friend.  Attalus had just gotten back from a late show in Charlotte, and we ended up talking until almost 5 o'clock in the morning.  I won't go into specifics of that talk, but God used that conversation to awaken something in me.  Sharing struggles with a fellow believer is a great way to grow and challenge yourself and others.  After my friend and I talked, I realized so much of the sin that I had been struggling with over the last months and even years that I had considered "not that big of a deal", was in fact a HUGE deal to God.  I had also listened to one of Dwight Peterson's messages about the progression of temptation.  He used an "I Am Second" video to illustrate his point along with James 1:14-15.  The point of the video and of the message was that we have no idea where the consequences of our sin will lead us.  For those of us who have been Christ-followers for a long time, we've seen many brothers and sisters "fall away" into sin, and we often find ourselves wondering,"Where did that come from? How did that happen? They were so faithful and such a great example."  As we read in James, however, we see that we don't just make huge mistakes like infidelity, stealing, etc., overnight, but rather it is starting from point A and a continuation onto point B, and so on.  We further know, unfortunately, how easy it can be to put on a show and deceive others so as to look like we're doing great, spiritually, when in reality, we are a train wreck.  For almost the entire 2 years I lived in Charlotte, I was living a double life.  On one side, I was happy, helping out with music and youth ministry at a church plant.  On the flip side, I was drowning in a sea of loneliness where I struggled to read God's Word or even pray.  I remember thinking, really, knowing that I should have been spending time every day in Scripture and prayer, but instead believing the lie that I didn't really need those things.  I was surrounded by people at church who loved me and cared about me and would have been more than willing to take some time and listen to my struggles, but I just continued to believe lies rather than reaching out.  This is one area where I believe Satan can attack believers so easily.  If he can get us to accept the lie that we are alone or have screwed up so much that we are unforgivable, I think he will do everything he can to push that on us.

I truly believe that God saved me from my struggles by literally ripping me away from them.  Sure, He used Attalus as a catalyst to move me to Cary, but looking back, I think it was more to pull me away from my sin and draw me closer to Himself.  Sure I still struggled, and still do, but God has challenged me and grown me in ways that I probably would have doubted 2 years ago.  I'm amazed at what God has been doing in my life the last 2 months.  From changing the way I view relationships (yes, THOSE kind of relationships, and man, did I have it so wrong), to giving me a hunger for His Word and completely revolutionizing the way I pray.  That is not to say that I now have it all figured out.  I know this is just the beginning of what He's going to do in my life and how He will use me, but it makes me that much more excited to see what that will be.

Right around the time of that conversation with my friend I had been spending a lot of time meditating on  Romans 5:6-11 and the weight of that passage just crushed me.  Sometimes it's hard to understand why the all-powerful, all-knowing and all-present God would choose to save someone like me, but sections of Scripture like this remind me that it's because He loves me and wants to use me to honor and glorify Him, not because I can offer Him anything in return.  I'll leave you with Romans 5:6-11.  It has become my favorite passage in the whole Bible, because it is the GOSPEL and I have no kind of "closing statement" that could compare with what God has done for us:

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
(Romans 5:6-11 ESV)